You...

I don't know the right way to say this.

I like you a lot. And I've heard that you just want to focus on school and aren't looking. And I fully respect that. I just don't know anything anymore. Except that I really really like you.

And it's hard for me because if you know, you don't act any differently..and believe me, I'm not the most subtle person out there. You make me so frustrated and confused and upset. But at the same time, you make me feel great because it does seem like you really do care.

But I don't know anymore. I really want to get over you and just move on. I love being your friend. I want to be your friend. I just don't know how I'm supposed to move on. Every time I've reached this point before there's been a reason for me to move on and get over them. But I end up disliking that person.

It's said your heart holds three things: love, hate, and fear. I don't fear you and I definitely don't hate you. I don't want to hate you.

I want to be happy again. And you make me happy. But being stuck in some endless cycle just makes me depressed and confused. And then all I do is bother you. And you hang out with them even though I'm pretty sure they don't like me...they're slightly crazy as well and you don't even see that.

But these are the words I'll never say to you.

Because I don't have enough confidence to face the rejection I'm bound to face.

I'm feeling a little depressed lately.
and maybe it's from homesickness. and missing max.
maybe i don't really feel like i've made my own friends yet.
maybe i just don't know how to adjust.
maybe i just don't get anything anymore.
maybe i get upset over stupid things.
maybe i don't know what it is i really want.
maybe i'm sick of all the stupid things that go on.
and how some people are très estrange.
AND SO FAKE.
I shouldn't be so upset about the little things.

there's a calm under the waves and i choose to sink

I don't really know what I wanna do with my life.
and boys make everything so complicated.

i could float here instead

ignoring is a good idea.
if only i had the will power.

i hear it's pretty where you are

this campus is perfect.
I just don't know anything yet.
i don't like not knowing.
and letting the hands of fate take anything.

ignorance: lack of knowledge, education, or awareness
je rêve

just a little bit pretty, just a little bit more aware, just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

I feel so unattractive all the time.
and ugly and overweight and just...
I don't know when i'll ever find someone.
and from my past, it doesn't look likely.
i always try too hard.
and no one ever looks for someone so opinionated.
maybe if i sealed my lips and just stopped everything.

perhaps if i was...

I feel so bipolar.
I don't know if the people I call my friends..
are actually friends at all.
and I hate feeling helpless.
and don't like to conform.
and i don't know anything.
i'm naïve and young.
and nothing every goes my way.

every time i think i've got it figured out it fades away

on ne sait pas. toute de la temps.

12 days and i'm out of this fucking hell hole.

all she ever does is make me feel like shit.

i'm done. i fucking hate this place.

i'm sick of being treated like shit.

don't you ever feel like you are destined for something bigger than your skin?

yep. lazy as usual.

and i just wanted to say that




I love it when Brendon Urie wears glasses.

semi depressed all of a sudden.

at the Blink concert last night I started thinking.. Random I know. I started thinking about my perfect, nonexistent guy..

My guy needs to love going to concerts as much as I do. Especially rock concerts and hanging out in the Pit.

They need to have an interest in MANY different types of music.

They have to understand my love for Brendon Urie and not get jealous about it. Brendon Urie is sex. I will never ever ever do anything with Brendon, because seriously, i've been a panic fan since 2006 and I still have never met them.

They have to be nerdy. I love Chemistry and Mathematics. I was in Knowledge bowl and Quiz bowl. They have to have a nerdy/quirky side to them.

They must not hate the following bands: Cobra Starship, Panic! at the Disco, Fall Out Boy. They don't have to be their favorite bands... they just can't hate them.

Gotta have brown hair. brown hair is sexy. and a good, flattering hairstyle.

Must have deep eyes.

So basically, this guy doesn't exist.

FREAKING SWEET!

after having a tough time finding someone to take my second ticket, i ended up going with kate. She had only seen them with Fall Out Boy a few years ago and apparently thought they were jerks. boy was her opinion changed :)

We got to the venue around 3:30 and by then the line was already pretty long.. while we were sitting there a mini van pulled up, ran over the curb, and parked in a handicap spot. out walked Nate and Alex! i really wanted to say something or do something, but didn't. everyone around me either didn't recognize them or didn't know what to do.

the venue was REALLY small. but that was neat. the floor was little too. Skeet skeet was fun. the other two bands were sooo boring.. Cobra was great. the pit was suffocating. gabe would reach his hand out and everyone wanted so badly to touch him it was soo lame.

afterwards, Ryland and Vicky-T were hanging out outside. the crowd around vicky was annoying so we went to Ryland instead first. i didn't have anything for him to sign and i left my camera in the car four blocks away. so i got a hug instead :) vicky's crowd didn't go down so we didn't talk to her :( Kate didn't want to wait anymore for Alex or Gabe so we decided to leave. on our way we met Nate. i got a hug from him too and he wrote "I <3 Nate" on my hand. it was epic xP

so that was cobra.
and one helluva HOT MESS.

i'll do chi-town later. My adrenaline rush from Blink is wearing off.

or what i can remember of it.

it was on Aug 2nd :)

So, i had to drive over to taylor's house around nine-ish to pick up edson's and my free tickets. Then had to drive all the way out to edson's house way too far away. then it was off to canterbury...

when we got there, the line was already all the way back to the entrance to the racetrack. some people in front of us took a bench and used it as the line moved a little bit. then they decided they wanted to keep the bench and took it all the way to their car. they made it too. so ff >>. soon they started letting in people. we were nearly to the entrance when a bunch of people from the back decided they didn't want to wait anymore and pretty much rushed the gates cause a giant unmoving mob of people. it took about 10 minutes just to get in from there... suckage.

the day was pretty uneventful. as usual, all the bands i wanted to see played around the same time. i ended up hanging around the Truth people. they were fun. dance parties and karaoke parties :) I met Edson's roommate; he was fun. we won a free t-shirt from some booth for doing the crab walk.. I watched some of All Time Low, but left early to get a spot at their meet & greet. the m&g's were probably getting to them. they didn't seem to enthusiastic and didn't really talk. i kinda felt bad... i sorta made a slur at the white sox (WORST TEAM EVER :P). alex didn't want to talk, but Jack was really nice <3

I met Hit The Lights again. they were awesome as usual. Nick wrote something about how my name is said in "minnesotan" it was maaahhneekah or something like that ^__~

we ended up leaving before 3oh!3. we were all too exhausted and there were too many stupid teeny girls left.

so yep, that's pretty much all there is about warped '09...

long time, no update.

I need to write about
a.) Warped Tour
b.) Cobra Starship
c.) Chicago
d.) Blink-182, FOB, P!ATD

Yep.
this time i'll actually try.

New Perspective > Change

by far.

I tried to like Change, but i just can't. If that's why they broke up, then i guess i'm okay with it. Now i'll get the wonderful eargasmic music of Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith which makes me so happy instead of hearing a Panic! that sounds like Change.

And seriously, The Young Veins? wtf is that?!


haha...and the fights on P!ATDOnline were quite amusing i must add.

-M952

I was up visiting the grents for a while this weekend. yay and ugh. i just about went insane haha.
I didn't catch a single fish... only weeds. We went fishing twice. the first time it was really windy so the "spots" were messed up. Andrew caught some mini sunfish which i wish i could've caught. they're fun :) we went fishing again yesterday on a different lake and they didn't know where the fish were so we tried sunfishing for a while until we realized it failed and went trolling. andrew caught a nice sized northern pike and i of course got nothing but sunburnt :P

We went to a Beetles game on Saturday night. Some yummy college boys :) and there was the longest fight between a coach and an ump haha. he wouldn't leave!!

Brencer = ♥ seriously. New Perspective is eargasmic!! Stupid Rywalk though. They decided to release their band name and new single as well tomorrow (today haha). I sense some competition and I'm quickly taking sides.. I liked Ryan until the Honda Civic Tour when he started talking so much. And after all the MTV interviews i feel like he's taking all the spotlight. And plus, he won't change his twitter location after i keep telling him to change it. so if he lives on Schuyler Rd it's his fault. Kind of a nifty palindrome of a street number though :P

I wish i could choose two moods. Cause i'm Unbelievably happy from the New Perspective single but feeling bitchy about ryan's twitter and attitude about dropping the single today..

I feel the salty waves come in
I feel them crash against my skin
And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win
There's a haze above my TV
That changes everything I see
And maybe if I continue watching
I'll lose the traits that worry me

Can we fast-forward to go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here

Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside

Can we fast-forward to go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
and I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here

More to the point, I need to show
How much I can come and go
Other plans fell through
And put a heavy load on you
I know there's no more that need be said
When I'm inching through your bed
Take a look around instead and watch me go

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
and I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up on getting out of here

It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't wanna live a life that was comprehensive
'cause seeing clear would be a bad idea
Now catch me up on getting out of here
So catch me up I'm getting out of here


Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith you are my heroes.

I'm not going into work today.
Sarah hasn't responded to my email. i probably sent it to the wrong place anyways...
I don't want to go back in actually...awkward.

It's my mom's birthday today :)
we're going to bayside for lunch which is yummy and by the lake which equals awesome ^__^

yeah, so i don't really have much else to say right now..

yeah, we did it!
we failed miserably at the first game. we couldn't get any hits and fell apart during one inning and they scored 8 runs. it was horrible. Mark was pissed and gave us a stern talking after that game. We had like 20 minutes so we went and did some quick batting practice.. our hitting during the second game was spot on! we scored 5 runs in the first inning!! :) but i couldn't get a hit. the stupid lady ump called super inconsistent strikes on me. first time it hit the plate, second time it landed in the catcher's glove, third time it was high and inside. wft?! haha. oh well didn't matter anyways ^___^

the party was fun. we kidnapped matt and dressed him up in a minnie mouse outfit :P it was epic.

so i'm not sure whether or not i should go into work tomorrow.. i don't really want to and probably won't have anything to do if i did anyways seeing as how last week went... i'll be there struggling to get an hour in with the strange new people and not have a clue how to sort all the shit that cindy had in her desk. ugh.

edson told me that taylor might be able to get us some discounted or free tickets to warped tour. that would be awesome now that i'm unemployed. cheap tickets + vip voucher + all time low = spectacularness!

yep. so that's my update for today :)

-MN State Champ

And it starts...
sometime around midnight
or at least that's when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

As you stand...
under the barlights
and the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while
and the piano's this melancholy soundcheck
to her smile
And that white dress she's wearing
you haven't seen her
for a while

But you know...
that she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
she's holding her tonic like a crux
The room suddenly spinning
she walks up and asks how you are
so you can smell her perfume
you can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there's a change...
in your emotions
and all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
of the curl of your bodies
like two perfect circles entwined
and you feel hopeless, and homeless
and lost in the haze
of the wine

And she leaves...
with someone you don't know
but she makes sure you saw her
she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes
and when your friends say what is it
you look like you've seen a ghost

And you walk...
under the streetlights
and you're too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you so care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

You just have to see her

and you know that she'll break you in two

i swear i have undiagnosed ADD.

i can't shut up.

oh! and i really want a headband like Bden in the pic ^^ i might have to run to the store before my game tomorrow mornin' 8)

yeah that's right! uh huh :)
we won our two games today and for some reason there aren't that many teams in the state tournament this year so we play tomorrow at noon thirty for the championship!! WE BEAT THE WILDCATS!!!! yes!
it was so awesome. Shannon made an awesome, spot on throw to Sam and we got the girl out at home. And our hitting was amazing! :) i'm super excited for once!

grandparents are at my house. save me. they kindasortamaybe bother me sometimes with they're constant "are we bothering you?" questioning. they're here for some family reunion tomorrow that i luckily get to miss because of softball and our after party thing afterwards.. although they did come to my games today and bought me my tshirt! yayyy.

i'm really tired and can't believe it's already 8 o'clock! wth happened to the time?

oh well...

why does love always feel like a battlefield?

♥ M

gotta go to softball tomorrow.. yay. ugh. fail.

i don't wanna go to burnsville! it's far enough away to be annoying.

and why does time always slip away so quickly these days?! it was nine o'clock before i knew it!! wtaf?

i'm gonna start some countdowns...

16 days.............................Warped Tour
19 days.............................Cobra Starship
28 days.............................Chicago Cubs game
32 days.............................I convince Bden that he loves me (err... Blink 182, FOB, P!atD)
47 days.............................19th Birthday
50 days.............................Day 1 at St. Olaf :)

yeppers.

it is sooo cold out! argh. and it's gloomy and cloudy. yuck.
but it is an excuse to not do anything today..

I have the ASA state softball tournament in Burnsville tomorrow.. yay. hopefully i'll do better this weekend. i kept getting the third out and had a horrible second day last weekend. couldn't get a hit. well i could... they just were right at the people! so frustrating. sunday after our games we're having an end of the year party at the coach's house.. pool party. yucky. i hate swimsuits. i need to loose some weight. ugh.

standing by waiting at your back door. all this time why couldn't you see? you belong with me

i dunno if i can wait any longer to find out where i'm rooming this fall! *sigh* they're supposed to mail them out by monday but i want it now. or some mail at least.. i want it to be september right now so i don't have to worry about anything for a while. a;lskdfja;sdkf stupid economy stupid job market.

wtf, i applied for a job last week that is "posted until filled" and they haven't contacted me but it's still posted?! annoying much?? i've even emailed the coordinator and no reply. a;sldkfjas;lkdjfa;slkdfj

i need to get to a twins game sometime soon. i've only been to one with a debby downer.. maybe i can go one wednesday when it's $4 (or $7 for prem) and $1 hotdogs so i can basically go for $10 + parking :) that would be good. maybe with a group.

yeah.

-Mon.

"long" time no post. at least it feels that way....

well i've been a little busy lately.

We lost our first game on tuesday, but won the second one. out of the 10 people on our team there were only 6 of us there plus 3 subs. i was the only outfielder from the team haha. it was alright, none of us really cared about it anyways..

Wednesday was fun. I went down to St. Olaf with Kate and Gretchen. We bought some clothes in the bookstore. i bought a pair of long shorts from the clearance rack (i later found out they were guys oh well...) and a tshirt. then we walked around campus for a little bit; felt a little awkward carrying our bags xP. after that we went to the Hogan Brothers restaurant place and had a sandwich. they make awesome sandwiches and they're really cheap! the benefits of a two-college town. Ragstock was next and i, of course, bought another pair of sunglasses. they're plaid :)

Today i learned that i was being "let go" at work because they wanted to give full time people more hours. awesome. despite all my complaining about never having something to do at least it was some type of income, no matter how small it was. ugh. jobless and i still have about 6 weeks until college :'[

We lost the in-house softball championship today. woot. i went 1 for 4 and fell over embarrassingly after my last at bat. i can say that i play as well as a drunk person :) stupid switch to lead off batter. i need to be like no. 2 or something. so it's not lead off but i can hit like one.

HP6 was pretty good. i saw it last night with my brother and dad. stupid AMC charged us full price for it too. they advertise $5 tickets on weekdays. it was a weekday, but apparently that doesn't matter because it "came out" that day. a load of bullsh!t. but the movie was good. i really liked it. my dad thought it was slow moving. maybe it was because i knew the story but i was surprised when i learned that it was already 2 hours in. Draco has become a lot less attractive though. he has a receding hairline! Zambini Blase was better looking! haha. he was ;)

I love the open happiness video. Brendon Urie is a nerdy reporter! he's so dreamy. i wanna meet him soooo bad. and not just a lame meet and greet but on the street and have a real conversation. even if it's only like 5 minutes :)

Well, softball this weekend. hopefully i'll remember to put on sunscreen and not get a horrible burnt spot by my hairline :) it was weird. it peeled...

It's so cold.. it was barely 70 degrees outside and it's JULY?! strange. I wanna move somewhere where it's dry heat and always nice out. Maybe i'll meet a rich, quirky boy at stolaf that has a huge house in orange county and i can go out there or something :) or maybe they need some chem help out there and hire me and i'll become a rich chica ^__^

-Mrs. B.U.